It’s been so long since I last wrote, and now I don’t know where to start.
I remember taking my first steps, going deeper into the forest of my mind, exploring, and finding interesting things to share.
experiencing and learning (planting the seeds)
path of writing
Discovering and shaping (harvesting the ideas)
writing (sharing the fruits of your labor)
I had worked hard to make that path, but since I haven’t walked it in a long time, it’s now covered in dust. I can’t even remember where it was, and it feels like a long, distant road. Now, I feel lost.
Why has writing become so hard?
At first, I didn’t know what to write. After a big change in my life, I moved abroad to a completely new place, with a different culture, language, and job. It felt like I was a baby again, not knowing anything. Every day, I was amazed at what I saw in this bigger “forest,” saying to myself, “Wow, this exists too! Wow, look at that!” I planted new seeds every day, but I didn’t feel like I had enough experience to harvest anything and share it with others.
As I got used to this new environment, I thought about writing for a Chinese audience. I felt like my life was too far from the lives of my original readers. I wanted to write things that people aroung me could relate to and understand. To do that, I thought I needed to move my blog from a local platform to an international one like WordPress. I also thought I should translate my past and future writings into Chinese or English. It seemed like a great idea, and I was sure it was the right path for me.
But maybe I was making excuses, because I didn’t have enough energy to actually do it. It’s been about six months since I had the idea, but I haven’t even started learning how to build a website, and I haven’t wanted to write. Every time I sat down to try, I felt overwhelmed and sighed. Around that time, my father became a follower of my blog, which limited what I could write. I couldn’t write about my struggles, I couldn’t write about certain beliefs, and I didn’t have the confidence to express myself clearly. So, I kept changing and softening my words.
Because of that, I lost the freedom I used to have when I could express my thoughts openly, anonymously. Now, I had to edit and calculate every word, and that process became frustrating and felt like a chore. I shouldn’t have had to change my words. There were topics and readers I needed to write for, but they weren’t subjects that people close to me would support. I guess I wasn’t ready to leave my comfort zone, to face people turning away from me, and to go through the process of meeting new people in a bigger world.
Before I had a new platform, I tried to record things on my Naver blog. But in the middle of writing, I would lose all my energy. So I thought, forget it. I won’t write. I ended up putting my messy, incomplete thoughts into Word documents instead. I told myself that when the new platform is ready, at least I can look back at those Word files and track down what I didn’t get to publish.
Also, I couldn’t just keep writing the same quality of articles over and over. My perfectionism and ambition wouldn’t allow it. It was time for me to make progress with my content. If I start writing again, the quality will be different from before, and this new blog will become a valuable asset for me. I believe it will attract a much wider audience from various backgrounds and countries.
I once heard a quote: “The more important a task is for our life journey, the more hesitation you feel to start.” Maybe that’s true. Everywhere I turn, and everything I hear, in its own way, emphasizes the importance of documenting. and I absorbed all of information. The thought of “I need to write” has stayed with me for the past six months. and Sometimes, it felt heavy and filled me with guilt, but at other times, I felt like I was waiting for the right moment and the right version of myself. I’m willing to wait until my seeds bloom into beautiful flowers and fruits.
It’s a big achievement that I’ve written this much today.
Recently, I had more free time, so I took a one-day WordPress website building class. If I learn WordPress properly, I’ll be able to make almost any kind of website. I think this is a skill I need to have, not just for my blog. Meanwhile, many ideas for writing topics are popping up in my head.As I go about my daily life, lost in various thoughts, I realize that my mind always drifts to questions like, “If I wrote this down, what would the title be? Which category should it go into?” Maybe it’s because my frequency is tuned in that direction. Isn’t it still a step forward, even if it’s a small one?
Maybe because it’s so important to me, it has taken this long to feel ready. Even so, I don’t want to rush myself. I’ve often wondered, am I being lazy? Or maybe I just lack long-term persistence. I prayed, “Please let me write when the time comes, and let it be something I enjoy.” I feel like my words are becoming more connected to nature. the power of my words are growing stronger, so I trust that the right moment will come naturally.
Maybe one day, I won’t be able to stand the loneliness of not writing anymore. Or maybe I’ll just sit down to write one day, and somehow, I’ll keep writing every day for a hundred days. Or maybe someone will read my writing and send me some encouragement that gives me strength again. I don’t know how that moment will come, but I believe it will happen.
